Telephone Aerobics

I am uncomfortable talking on the phone. I kind of loathe it. That might be phrased wrong. Loathing takes commitment. Not kind of, but all in! When the phone rings, I automatically say “Oh no”. Although not as much now, because I just don’t answer it. Problem solved. I am an introvert, socially anxious, and the phone is difficult because you don’t have any nonverbal cues to go on and worst of all, there is no defined end to the call. Editing your thoughts and words is not possible, and I say dumb things. The call could go on and on, and that’s not okay! Would it be weird if I answered the phone and set a timer for 10 minutes? Then when the alarm goes, I can say, “period”, and hang up! There has to be an escape plan.

I used to talk to my mom on the phone frequently and I enjoyed it. She was my mom and my best friend. She was the person I called when anything happened. Her voice was magic and made everything better. Not long after she died, the phone rang one night and my husband and I ignored it. He said, “Well, it won’t be anyone important anyway.” He meant nothing by it, but I took it really hard because I interpreted  his remark to mean “It won’t be your mom calling. She will  never call again.” I think that’s when I stopped enjoying phone calls. It won’t be my mom calling, ever again, and so there is no point answering the phone.

Talking on the phone makes my metabolism rev up. I consider it cardio for the day. My heart races, my face turns red and I sweat enough that I have to change after. I can’t focus on the conversation. People like to start phone calls with “what’s new?” And off I go on the crazy train of insecurity. Nothing, nothing is new! Why does everything have to be new?! What’s wrong with the same, if the same is working for you just fine? If something was new and worth sharing, I would have emailed, texted or shared on Facebook! I feel like, if I can’t answer that one simple starter question, we might as well end the call right now. What’s new? is a lot of pressure, people! Sometimes it is enough to get through each day and do my best without worrying about whether my life is newsworthy. It is not. I can provide a list of all the new books I’ve read, how about that? My life is quiet, content, comfortable and I am happy that way. I’ve already lived with the chaos of youth, moving, changing jobs and partying. It was fun. Now I’m stable and steady, and you can count on me. Just don’t expect a witty and entertaining phone conversation.

I love that dogs don’t talk, and best of all? They never call.