I have been on disability leave from work for over a year now. Communication from my employer and insurance company (ML) has been erratic. ML does call regularly to ask the same questions and receive the same answers. This phone call never fails to bring me down from whatever mood I was in before. The entire conversation is about what is “wrong” with me, how wrong it is, what I can but mostly what I can’t do. All the stuff that I live with but try not to spend my whole day thinking and talking about. When I meet a friend and they ask how I am, I say good, ok, fine, like most people. Doesn’t make it true! I just don’t want to spend our time together complaining. Complaining makes me feel worse. These calls from the insurance company last at least half an hour, they used to be longer until I said that I can’t handle the hour long interrogation. It feels very much like there is a right answer to the questions, but I sure don’t know what the right answer is, just the truth.

In September, a colleague casually texted me and said they were sorry I wasn’t coming back to work at that school. News to me! Nobody official ever told me this decision was made. Yesterday I found out that the employer decided that they cannot accommodate my abilities and restrictions; I am considered to be permanently disabled from that job (for 2 years starting the day of first approval, you are only allowed to be permanently disabled for 2 years). Apparently this was decided in October, but again, nobody felt the need to mention it to me. Why would I need to know anyway, right?! The last I heard in September, the employer was looking for a suitable position for me. Apparently, they didn’t find one.

So, now I know something, but I feel more uncertain than ever. What will I do when my 2 years end next May? I feel urgent, like I better get this all sorted out right now or disaster is imminent. No income, I’ll lose our home, our pets, our cars, I will be homeless in the cold ¬†Canadian winter. (But maybe I could write country songs?)


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